


Nope. Not Doing That

by insert_dumbass_name_here



Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Human, Anxiety Attacks, Drug Use, F/F, F/M, Fluff, Group chat, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, M/M, Mentions of Anxiety, Multi, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, chloe and north are lowkey pining, dont come at me, karas a straight, no beta we die like men, rated for language, theyre all messes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-02
Updated: 2018-12-27
Packaged: 2019-07-23 15:17:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 10,148
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16161530
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/insert_dumbass_name_here/pseuds/insert_dumbass_name_here
Summary: Chloe: you would know wouldnt youSimon: what are you gonna do, shoot me?Traitor: yesNorth: kinky





	1. Markus Why

**Author's Note:**

> This game owns my entire ass so heres a college au group chat

**3:16PM**

**Markus addded Connor, Simon, North and 6 others to New Chat!**

**North changed chat name to hays!**

**North:** oh shit wait

**North changed chat name to gays!**

**Josh** : no you were right

**Josh changed chat name to hays!**

**Kara** : markus

 **Markus** : yes

 **Kara** : why did you think this was a good idea

 **Traci** : are you kidding me this is the BEST idea

 **Markus** : it was actually connors idea

 **Connor** : it was a JOKE i was JOKING

 **Simon** : this is gonna be a mess

 **Kara** : if this gc is gays shouldnt i not be here

 **Josh** : you are incorrect this is hays

 **North** : plus we kinda like you a little

 **Kara** : awww <3

 **Luther** : who the hell is blowing up my phone

 **Luther** : what tf is this

 **Connor** : i hope you dont use this kind of vulgarity in front of the baby

 **Luther** : how dare you imply im a bad father

 **Kara** : its true alice has never heard a swear in our house

 **Connor** : i was talking about chloe

 **Chloe** : fuck you connor

 **North** : chloe!!!!!!!

 **Choe** : north!!!!!!!!!!!

 **Markus** : wait wheres amelia?

 **Traci** : she has a lab rn

 **North** : is she making a bomb?

 **North** : i hope she is

 **Traci** : pretty sure shes exposing ammonium sulfide to air and watching as it hydrolyzes

 **Josh** : traci thats a stink bomb

 **Traci** : i know what i said

 **Simon** : rip everyone in the biology classrooms next door

 **Simon** : aka me

 **Simon** : for the seventh time this week im wondering why i took this class

 **Chloe** : arent you a communications major

 **Simon** : yeah

 **Chloe** : lmao you played yourself

 **Connor** : just because you got an internship with the almighty doesnt mean you can make fun of my bf

 **Chloe** : overprotective much

 **Simon** : awwwww ily babe

 **Connor** : ilyt <3

 **Markus** : i dont get an ily

 **Simon** : you didnt defend me

 **Markus** : chloe dont do that

 **Chloe** : ….

 **Simon** : alright i guess ily

 **Traci** : thirsty

 **Markus** : me???? Thirsty for my boyfriend?????? Nooooooo

 **Connor** : s

 **Traci** : what

 **Connor** : boyfriend/s/

 **Markus** : well…

 **Connor** : HEY

 **Markus** : yes my boyfriends

 **Markus** : ^3^

 **Luther** : spare us all

 **Luther** : please

 **Markus** : ^333333333^

 **Kara** : thats a lot of lips my dude

 **Kara** : wait no

 **Markus** : yeah so that i c

 **Markus** : spoil sport

 **North** : whats stopping you

 **Markus** : she used her mom voice

 **Josh** : these are texts

 **Markus** : the mom voice transcends reality

 **Traci** : its true

 **Traci** : one time she used it my looking at me

 **Connor** : hello gays i have a question

 **Kara** : what about m

 **Connor** : no i know what youre gonna say

 **Connor** : i have an headache and i dont wanna go to my calc class

 **Markus** : no dont leave the cuddle pile

 **North** : wait are you two in the same room

 **Markus** : theres a good possibitiy we might be

 **Chloe** : skip class and come visit me

 **Connor** : would you make me snickerdoodles

 **Markus** : betrayal

**Simon changed Connor’s name to Traitor!**

**Chloe** : at work

 **Traitor** : aw hell naw kamski creeps me out

 **Traitor** : nvmd im just gonna go to class

 **Markus** : :((((((

 **Traitor** : ill get ice cream on the way home

 **Traitor** : the kind yoikomsweh

 **Luther** : ….what just happened

 **Traci** : rip connors dead

 **Traitor** : he just shoved me out of the cuddle pile yelling get a move on

 **North** : true love

 **North** : ill meet you in calc

 **Traitor** : k

 **North** : he just hit me with that k

 **North** : he really is a traitor

 **Traitor** : im walking north

 **Traci** : i thought your calc class was south of your apartment

 **Luther** : im leaving

 **Josh** : suit yourself

 **Simon** : dont you have calc with them

 **Josh** : possibly

 **Traci** : bye josh

 **Kara** : luther dinners ready

 **Luther** : you couldnt just tell me

 **Kara** : i already sat down and alice doesnt like yelling

 **Luther** : youre really too lazy to get up and walk ten feet to tell me

 **Kara** : yes

 **Luther** : alright

 **Markus** : everyones leaving :(

 **Simon** : im not <3

 **Markus** : lets watch something

 **Simon** : we still need to watch steven universe to connor stops bugging us

 **Traitor** : its illegal to watch that without me

 **Chloe** : you would know wouldnt you

 **Simon** : what are you gonna do, shoot me?

 **Traitor** : yes

 **North** : kinky

 **Simon** : alright then tonight?

 **Markus** : ice cream steven universe and cuddles

 **Traitor** : perfect <3

 **North** : ew hes smiling **[photo attachment]**

 **Markus** : im love

 **North** : shhhhh class is starting

 **Markus** : but

 **North** : shhhhhhhhhhhh

 **Markus** : fine

 **Amelia** : hey everybody whatd i miss


	2. why is everyone dying

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i’m so sorry idk where this went but here you go

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i swear this is going somewhere

**11:23AM**

**Kara added connor and markus to new chat!**

**Kara named chat not so holy trinity!**

**Kara changed Connor’s name to Croonr!**

**Kara changed Markus’s name to Mrauk!**

**Markus changed Kara’s name to Kraa!**

**Croonr** : why

 **Kraa** : what are you doing the 17th

 **Croonr** : i have classes until 1

 **Mrauk** : i dont whats up

 **Kraa** : i miss our hang outs :(((((((

 **Mrauk** : meet at 2 for cafe hopping?

 **Kraa** : deal BUT

 **Kraa** : no lovey dovey stuff or i get up and leave

 **Croonr** : (dont really see why thats a bad thing-)

 **Kraa** : CONNOR

 **Croonr** : fiiiiiiiiiiiine

 **Mrauk** : yay i love spending money i dont have

 

 

 **11:20AM**  

**North > hays**

**North** : i just saw simon jogging in shorts and i may be a lesbian but id tap that

 **Chloe** : Big Mood

 **Traci** : i need to see it to believe

 **North** : **[photo attachment]**

 **Amelia** : wow hey im straight

 **Traci** : should be mad but honestly same

 **Traitor** : hands off hes taken

 **Markus** : ^^

 **Luther** : can someone yeet me into space

 **Amelia** : you have a child sir

 **Luther** : …….

 **Josh** : he yeeted alice into space on accident with his huge arms and needs to go get her now

 **Traitor** : yote*

 **Josh** : no

 **North** : yate*

 **Traitor** : what in the fresh fuck is that

 **North** : a gift

 **Josh** : is there a receipt

 **Traitor** : is there a re

 **Traitor** : fuck

 **Luther** : kara left me to put together this table from ikea and i

 **Kara** : i just left to get alice from school

 **Kara** : its not that hard

 **Luther** : you try it then

 **Kara** : i put the bed together

 **Markus** : OOOH

 **Chloe** : OOOOH

 **Amelia** : OOOOOH

 **Luther** : yeah with roses help

 **Chloe** : OOOOOH

 **Markus** : OOOOOH

 **Amelia** :OOOOOOOOOH

 **Kara** : do you wanna sleep with alice tonight

 **Luther** : shes a better cuddler than you

 **Traitor** : SHOTS FIRED   
**Josh** : no one says that anymore

 **Traitor** : yeah well I just did

 **Luther** : oh shit shes calling me

 **Luther** : i want lillies at my funeral

 **Luther** : goodbye ev

 **Traci** : rip hes gone

 **Chloe** : and he never got to finish his table

 **North** : opening line to my speech- he was the best twerker i knew

 **North** : now that hes dead im coming for his title

 **Markus** : how sweet

 **Simon** : this has been so entertaining to read

 **Simon** : also i’m never going outside ever again

 **North** : nooooooooo

 **Chloe** : weve lost another to the war

 **Josh** : good riddance

 **Simon** : wtf did i do to you

 **Josh** : do y’all hear smth?

 **Simon** : why are you so salty today

 **Josh** : i’m running on two hours of sleep three cups of coffee and constant anxiety

 **Chloe** : Big. Mood.

 **Amelia** : g o  t o s l e e p

 **Josh** : n o

 **North** : this whole conversation is a cry for help

 **Simon** : true

 **Josh** : i think a snakes trying to speak to us

 **Simon** : WHAT DID I DO

**Chloe changed Simon’s name to Snake Simon!**

**Snake Simon** : gdi

 **Traitor** : slither into my bed

**Kara kicked Traitor!**

**Chloe added Connor!**

**Chloe** : how dare you disrespect my husband

 **Connor** : thanks wifey :*

 **Markus** : :0

 **Snake Simon** : :0

**Chloe changed Connor’s name to hubby!**

**Hubby changed Chloe’s name to wifey!**

**Hubby** : finally i’m not a traitor

 **Snake Simon** : might as well be

 **Hubby** : it doesnt say who’s hubby i am

**Wifey changed Hubby’s name to Chloe’s Hubby!**

**Snake Simon changed Chloe’s hubby’s name to Simons Hubby!**

**Markus** : ahem

**Snake Simon changed Simons Hubby’s name to Simon and Markus’ Hubby!**

**Simon and Markus’ Hubby** : this is too fuckin long

 **North** : yknow what else is long…

 **Luther** : your love for the lord jesus christ amen

 **Amelia** : HES ALIVE

 **Kara** : barely

 **Luther** : my back is going to suffer

 **Traci** : ew tmi

 **Luther** : i-

 **Kara** : alice is sleeping with me and he gets her tiny ass bed

 **Josh** : rip luther 2018

 **Amelia** : rip rip potato chip

 **Luther** : i hate all of you

 **North** : even me :((((((((

 **Luther** : yes

 **North** : betrayal at its finest

 **Simon and Markus’ Hubby** : someone please change my name

 **Snake Simon** : what’s wrong with it

 **Markus** : it’s perfect

 **Simon and Markus’ hubby** : i will pay 8 whole dollars

**North changed Simon and Markus’ Hubby’s name to Rich Bich**

**Traci changed Rich Bich’s name to give me money!**

**Traci** : GDI

 **North** : pay up bitch

**North changed Give Me Money’s name to Rich Bich!**

**North** : i win

 **Rich Bich** : this is my last 8 dollars…… use it wisely

 **Rich Bich** : i guess i’ll just depend on simon and markus now

 **Amelia** : the real reason he’s dating them comes out

 **Rich Bich** : fuck they found out

 **Markus** : what

 **Rich Bich** : i said fuck me right now

 **Markus** : oh alright

 **Kara** : ew keep it out of the gc

 **Snake Simon** : i just walked in on them arguing about who get the leftover olive garden breadsticks i think you’re good

 **North** : i want a video

 **Snake Simon** : **[video attachment]**

 **Chloe** : CONNOR WTF WAS THAT

 **Rich Bich** : german

 **North** : whyd you stop the video

 **Snake Simon** : i ran out of space bc /some people/ like to blow up my phone

 **North** : update us then

 **Snake Simon** : connor used his puppy eyes and won

 **Markus** : I’m Weak

 **Markus** : also connor what did you say it sounded very angry

 **Amelia** : hesaidhelovesyoualotandadmireshowselflessyouareandlovescuddlingwithyou

 **Rich Bich** : AMY

 **Snake Simon** : hot

 **Kara** : OUT OF THE GC

 **Snake Simon** : fuck you mom

 **Luther** : whites back at it taking black men’s jobs

 **Josh** : LUTHER

 **North** : that’s it i’m leaving

 **Rich Bich** : hi leaving i’m broke

**Wifey changed North’s name to Leaving!**

**Leaving changed Rich Bich’s name to Broke!**

**Markus** : why was the gc ever made

 **Snake Simon** : mark you made this shithole

**Traci changed chat name to This Shithole!**

**Josh** : jesus fucking christ

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> will we ever find out what simon did to josh? will we ever find my sanity?? no one knows


	3. in the name of the father son and holy spirit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> im honestly so sorry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Connor-broke  
> North-leaving  
> Chloe- wifey  
> Simon- snake simon  
> Kara, Luther, Josh, Traci, and Amelia are all their own names

**2:43PM**

**Wifey > This Shithole**

**Wifey** : MARKUS YOUR SPEECH IM WHEEZING

 **Markus** : WHOMSTVE

 **Markus** : WHO TOOK A VIDEO

 **Luther** : ….

 **Markus** : LUTHER I TRUSTED YOU

 **Wifey** : “this is a cross i will bare” MARKUS ARE YOU JESUS

**Luther changed Markus’s name to Jesus!**

**Josh** : heh simons the holy spirit bc hes so pale

 **Snake Simon** : then connor would be god

 **Leaving** : why

 **Snake Simon** : bc markus calls him daddy ;)))))

**Amelia kicked Snake Simon!**

**Amelia** : not on my good christian minecraft server

**Kara added Simon!**

**Wifey** : the father the son and the holy spirit

 **Leaving** : religious person: yes could you please pray for our meal

me: of course….. Please let the food be good in the name of connor, markus, and simon amen

 **Amelia** : NORHT

 **Jesus** : this is it im dead

 **Jesus** : kara…..  Take care of everyone

 **Leaving** : wait what about me?

 **Jesus** : no

 **Leaving** : for fucks sake you shank someone once and suddenly your “violent” and are “in need of serious anger management”

 **Amelia** : NORTFH STOP IM PISSINFF MYSELF   
**Amelia** : IM IN THE LIBRAYR

 **Wifey** : i guess you could say shes gonna have to take /kara/ all of us

 **Amelia** : I JAUT GOT KICKED OUT FUCKALL YALLL

 **Josh** : like you were actually gonna study

 **Amelia** : I WAS I HAVE EXAMS TOMORROW

 **Wifey** : rip

 **Amelia** : YOU SHUT UP

 **Broke** : hello haymosexuals what’s going on

 **Broke** : oh

**Wifey changed the chat name to haymosexuals!**

**Broke** : ah yes my influence is spreading

 **Josh** : was that a threat

 **Josh** : I feel threatened

 **Josh** : hello 911

 **Broke** : you fool I am the police

 **Josh** : fcuk

 **Kara** : i was just reminded that the word sassafras exists and

 **Kara** : it’s just a fun word yknow?

 **Jesus** : sassyfrassy

 **Simon** : did you jaut sass me

 **Jesus** : jaut

 **Simon** : that’s it young man

 **Leaving** : YOUNG MAN IM

 **Leaving** : DOES MARKUS ACTUALLY HAVE A DADDY KINK IM SO

 **Broke** : ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

 **Traci** : god no the faces are back

 **Broke** : hell yeah they are (•_•) ( •_•)>⌐■-■ (⌐■_■)  

 **Kara** : I’m fucking deleting myself

 

**1:01AM**

**Broke >haymosexuals**

**Broke** : do you guys ever think about how…. like we’re using our brains to move our bodies but like…. you don’t even need to consciously think in order to move liek your hands

 **Broke** : like I’m typing this and I’m noy thinking about it

 **Wifey** : connor wtf

 **Josh** : i-

 **Broke** : mark somon and I are super fuckin high rn lol

 **Jesus** : lmaooooo hey yall

 **Wifey** : Markus I thought you were the responsible one

 **Jesus** : I’m not mark I’m simon lol

 **Josh** : si you’re on Markus’ phone

 **Jesus** : oop lol

 **Simon** : heyyyyy it’s simon again

 **Simon** : we’re watching Steven universe and connors crying lol

 **Simon** : oh shit the lesbiamd are getting married got to gay lol

 **Broke** : their fickinf perfect for each toget and im fucong sobbinng

 **Josh** : fuck connors done for

 **Simon** : sos markus lmao

 **Simon** : **[video attachment]**

 **Leaving** : fuck i cant find my earbuds

 **Leaving** : if i wake my roommate up shell scream

 **Wifey** : i gotchu

 **Wifey** : connor and markus sobbing together while simon is laughing/ maybe crying in the background

 **Wifey** : connor- look at her shes so happy to be back

 **Wifey** : more crying

 **Wifey** : markus- oh fuck its the hands

 **Wifey** : simon-gasp the hands

 **Wifey** : then theres a lot of screaming about the hands fighting??? like they got into it lol

 **Wifey** : then simon drops his phone and theres muffled talking then he remembers his phone and turns it off

 **Leaving** : <333333

 **Jesus** : gaaaayyyyy

 **Kara** : what the FUCK is going on

 **Kara** : why the FUCK are you blowing up my phone

 **Wifey** : siconkus got high

 **Traci** : without me????

 **Traci** : amy and i are otw

 **Broke** : fucc yes buddiieeeees

 **Leaving** : hey im coming too

 **Wifey** : im gonna regret this but ill just call in sick if im too fucked up

 **Josh** : yeah sure why not

 **Jesus** : i havent slept in 3 days

 **North** : MARK

 **Josh** : IM FORCING YOU TO SLEEP

 **Simon** : cuddle party?

 **Traci** : im fucking getting high first

 **Traci** : but yeah then cuddle party

 **Jesus** : yayyyyy

 **Kara** : ……

 **Kara** : ill leave luther a note

 **Leaving** : YES

 **Leaving** : alright lets go

 **Amelia** : who fucking needs exams anyways

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Are the name switches getting too confusing? idk anymore  
> If you spot any mistakes please comment and I'll fix them!!


	4. Loving Friends who Love Each Other

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> me updating twice in one week? its more likely than you think

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Connor- Broke  
> North- Leaving  
> Markus- Jesus  
> Chloe- wifey   
> everyone elses names are their own names

**10:22AM**

**Luther > haymosexuals **

**Luther** : the betrayal…. is this what caesar felt 

**Luther** : backstabber

**Broke** : whoever this is stfu its too fucking early

**Luther** : literally no

**Luther** : this is what you get motherfuckers

**Luther** : kara alice is asking where you are

**Kara** : tell her im dead

**Luther** : she wants to know what song you want played at your funeral

**Kara** : im not okay by mcr

**Luther** : she just said relatable who ruined my daughter

**Traci** : lmao oops

**Luther** : this is why i screenshot every embarrassing snapchat picture you send me

**Amelia** : I have exams in a half hour rip

**Amelia** : this is homophobia

**Leaving** : me every time theres a mild inconvenience in my life: i think its because im gay

**Luther** : MOOD

**Luther** : wait arent you all in a room together

**Jesus** : amelias gone, connor and kara are dead to the world im pretty sure they didnt sleep until around 7 and north has class

**Jesus** : she decided that today would be her one day a month to go to class apparently

**Leaving** : fuck you

**Wifey** : has anyone seen Venom? I still havent but i heard it was gay and all ive been seeing on my dash is tentacle porn

**Traci** : yeah it was really good

**Luther** : it wasnt too gorey?

**Traci** : nah

**Luther** : oh alrighty i might actually watch it then

**Traci** : he eats a dog

**Luther** : nvmd

**Traci** : lol

**Simon** : i may or may not have gotten curious and looked up venom/eddie for lols and read tentacle porn and now i cant stop

**Jesus** : my future husband everybody

**Simon** : MARK

**Josh** : my holy spirit

**Leaving** : YOUR holy spirit may cleanse your soul and shit but MY holy spirit reads gay tentacle porn

**Simon** : arent you supposed to be in class

**Leaving** : its just a lecture with a powerpoint i can look at later idc

**Traci** : lmao amy wishes

**Broke** : im going to murder you all in cold blood and nobody will be able to find your bodies

**Josh** : He Lives

**Jesus** : he lives in yoooooooou

**Jesus** : is that how it goes

**Jesus** : idk im too tired for this shit

**Broke** : then come back to bed and sHUT THE FUCK UP

**Luther** : kara who tf is tod

**Kara** : oh yeah hes alices new asshole teacher bc lucy had that surgery

**Luther** : alice actually looks scared to go to school can i beat him up

Kara: id rather not have her taken away from us so no

 

**10:43**

**Luther > Kara**

**Luther:** is it todd williams

**Kara** : yeah

**Luther** : god fucking damnit

**Luther** : i thought we got rid of him

**Kara** : apparently not

**Kara** : and we cant do anything outside the law bc of alice

**Luther** : we need to figure out a way to get him fired legally

**Kara** : with his past it shouldnt be too hard right?

**Luther** : hes probably being a lot more careful bc he knows alice is in this class

**Kara** : fuck alright we need to do some digging

**Luther** : whatever happens 

**Luther** : i love you so much

**Luther** : we’ll figure this out

**Kara** : god i hope so

**Kara** : <3

 

**10:47AM**

**Leaving > haymosexuals**

**Leaving** : whomstve

**Josh** : i just heard the word murder?????

**Broke** : wow hello im awake yes whats going on who do i have to kill

**Jesus** : josh is proposing murder wow 

**Leaving** : im so proud :,)

**Kara** : alright yall 

**Kara** : apparently this todd is the same todd as in alices abusive father 

**Simon** : wait wtf

**Simon** : i thought he was in jail

**Luther** : we won alice and didnt go any further bc we couldnt afford to at the time

**Wifey** : shouldnt he be in jail literally just for that reason?

**Kara** : idk but we cant do anything outsde the law in case they take away alice 

**Leaving** : everyones minds are going straight to murder this is great

**Broke** : bitch i can 

**Broke** : i know way too many ways to kill and hide a body ive been waiting to use them

**Josh** : wtf connor

**Broke** : even if i get caught i look good in orange

**Simon** : yeah but its not your best color so Lets Not

**Kara** : anywho we need people to dig and get shit on him cough connor and markus cough

**Amelia** : oh yeah markus wasnt your dad part of the district council at one point

**Jesus** : oh yeah i forgot abt that

**Jesus** : ill ask him to see if he can do anything

**Broke** : ill ask hank to dig up anything hes got

**Wifey** : ill see if i can ask elijah about anything

**Kara** : thank you guys so much

**Broke** : ofc were not gonna let this asshole lay a hand on her

**Josh** : if he so much as touches her im gonna mf teleport to her school and beat the shit outta him

**Traci** : weve always got your guys backs!

**Kara** : thanks you guys <3

**Wifey** : <3

**Luther** : this is too damn serious for a gc named haymosexuals

**Traci** : hey we may be depressed college students but weve also got each others backs and love each other a lot

**Traci** : wow youre right this feels weird

**Traci** : but who gives af <3

**Leaving** : <3

**Josh** : <3

**Luther** : <3

**Broke** : <3

**Simon** : <3

**Jesus** : <3

**Wifey** : <3

**Kara** : <3333333333

**Kara** : ha beat all you mf

**Jesus** : damn….. Foiled again

**Broke changed chat name to Loving Friends who Love Each Other!**

 

**11:58AM**

**Amelia >Loving Friends who Love Each Other**

**Amelia:** I missed everyone being wholesome gdi

**Amelia** : but i love you guys <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh shit an actual plot point? wow bet you didnt see that coming  
> If there are any mistakes please let me know so I can fix them!


	5. This is Halloween

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is my life now

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Connor- Broke  
> North- Leaving  
> Chloe- Wifey  
> Markus- Jesus  
> Everyone else's names are their own

**2:32PM**

**Connor added Kara, Luther, Markus, and 1 Other to chat!**

**Connor changed chat name to Protect Alice Squad!**

**Connor** : hank says he has a written history of drug abuse but one of our recent leads leaves us believing he may be part of the whole red ice problem

**Connor** : not sure whether hes an abuser or dealer but he could be locked up for either

**Markus** : that should definitely be reported to the school board

**Markus** : is it current or past

**Connor** : all of the above

**Chloe** : I wasnt able to ask elijah yet but he owes me a couple favors so give me a bit

**Luther** : no rush you guys are being a huge help!

**Chloe** : lmao a bit means like an hour

**Chloe** : hes way too good at hacking

**Connor** : tell him to delete my debt

**Chloe** : im building up to it 

**Connor** : sweet

**Connor** : but honestly say the word and he’ll be meeting the devil a lot sooner than he wants to

**Luther** : what word tho

**Luther** : alice

**Kara** : todd

**Luther** : school

**Kara** : chair

**Luther** : knife

**Kara** : water

**Luther** : garbage disposal

**Kara** : that was two words dumbass

**Luther** : fuck

**Chloe** : wow hashtag couple goals

**Markus** : did you just fucking type out hashtag

**Chloe** : mayhaps

**Markus** : im leaving

**Chloe** : ill tell you if elijah finds anything!

**Kara** : <3333333

 

**3:56PM**

**Leaving > Loving Friends Who Love Each Other**

**Leaving** : hello humans

**Leaving** :  **[photo attachment]**

**Jesus** : ASKGDOHAOSH   
**Broke** : WHAT THE FUCK   
**Amelia** : WHAT IN FUCKINF HELL IS THAT   
**Josh** : why is your life goal to traumatize me   
**Luther** : this is it. the thing of nightmares   
**Leaving** : im an evil tellytubby   
**Traci** : I CAN FUCKING SEE THAT

**Broke** : AND YOU DIDNT INVITE ME

**Broke** : #hurt

**Leaving** : fucc no conny

**Leaving** : #sorry

**Broke** : #itstoolate

**Leaving** : #heartbroken

**Amelia** : pls stop

**Broke** : #no

**Leaving** : #imabadbitchyoucantkillme

**Amelia** : sigh

 

**4:09PM**

**Chloe > Protect Alice Squad**

**Chloe** : elijah says hes been buying from an anonymous guy (at least from the texts he mightve seen him in person) but he probably wont buy some for a while cuz hes stocked up

**Chloe** : i feel gross just talking about this

**Chloe** : he said the last couple times hes picked stuff up have been from this location  **[address attachment]** so next time shouldnt be any different

**Kara** : so we just have to wait?

**Connor** : ill tell hank about this see if he can get anyone monitoring him but they probably wont arrest him right away

**Connor** : hes the closest lead theyve had in years after hanks big discovery

**Luther** : just keep us updated?

**Connor** : always!

**Chloe** : elijah is invested now so well know everything about this guy until hes locked up

**Kara** : not sure if i want to but its helping alice

**Chloe** : ill help be the censurer 

**Markus** : is that a thing?

**Chloe** : ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

**Markus** : god not you too

**Connor** : ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

**Markus** : im leaving again

**Luther** : ditto

 

**4:23PM**

**Simon > Loving Friends Who Love Each Other**

**Simon** : GUYS   
**Simon** : NORTH SCRAP YOUR FUCKING NIGHTMARE OF A COSTUME JOSH AND I HAVE A BETTER IDEA

**Leaving** : whats better than a evil tellytubby

**Simon** : alright so we were talking and we started talking about spiders

**Simon** : and i remembered morph suits are a thing

**Simon** : so we decided all fucing 10 of us would get black morph suits and sew on 4 extra legs per person

**Simon** : and just fucking gang up on one person 

**Simon** : so its ten demented skittish spider people crawing towards one person all at the same time

**Josh** : you forgot we have to be doing it bent backwards so it looks worse

**Simon** : ah yes how could i forget

**Leaving** : this is

**Leaving** : fucking incredible im in

**Luther** : 8 glow in the dark black eyes for each person

**Luther** : so they keep thinking theyre seeing smth but the eyes are black so they cant tell

**Josh** : i-

**Josh changed Luther’s name to Genius!**

**Genius** : finally its been acknowedged

**Leaving** : all who are in say i

**Josh** : i

**Simon** : i

**Broke** : i

**Amelia** : i

**Jesus** : i

**Kara** : i

**Wifey** : i

**Traci** : i

**Genius** : i

**Leaving** : amazing

**Leaving** : now i have a costume for next year too

**Jesus** : not if i burn it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Im sorry i tried to add some more serious bits but i cant stay serious for too long it makes me sad :(  
> Comment if you see any mistakes so i can fix them! (comments also give me a will to live but who needs that anyways)


	6. Discourse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Short update because i love distracting myself from homework and giving myself anxiety

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Connor-Broke  
> North-Leaving  
> Chloe-wifey  
> Markus-Jesus  
> Luther-Genius  
> Everyone elses names are their own  
> *Mild Civil War spoilers*

**4:02AM**

**Traci >Loving Friends Who Love Each Other **

**Traci** : i forgot the word legitimacy existed so i almost used legitness in an essay

 **Traci** : i was sitting there staring at my screen for two minutes trying to figure out why it sounded weird

 **Amelia** : in the process of figuring out she came up with the word legiterally

 **Traci** : I SAID THAT OUT LOUD

 **Amelia** : yup

 **Broke** : oh good im not the only one who hasnt finished

 **Simon** : im about to kick him out of the dorm

 **Amelia** : if you send him over here can i come over to your guys place

 **Jesus** : deal

 **Broke** : wow thanks guys im not just some merchandise to be sold

 **Simon** : did we get money for this?

 **Jesus** : (i wish)

 **Broke** : this is bullying

 **Amelia** : im omw connor you better be ready

 **Broke** : damn alright fine

 **Traci** : you get to spend time with meeeeee

 **Simon** : bye bitch

 

**4:20AM**

**Traci >Loving Friends Who Love Each Other**

**Traci** : 420 blaze it

 **Broke** : 420 blaze it lmao

 

**5:45AM**

**Broke >Loving Friends Who Love Each Other**

**Broke** : fuckin finally finished

 **Traci** : fff

 **Amelia** : thats great now go the FUCK to sleep

 

**7:37AM**

**Amelia >Loving Friends Who Love Each Other**

**Amelia** : connor your boyfriends are great cuddlers

 **Amelia** : imma steal them

 **Broke** : bitch i dare you

 **Broke** : you just woke me up from my almost 2 hour sleep

 **Broke** : im ready to fucking go

 **Traci** : he says laying down groaning about having to actually have to live

 **Broke** : stop exposing me

 **Traci** : what is this bully connor day

**Amelia changed chat name to Bully Connor Day!**

**Broke** : i hate all of you

 **Genius** : even me

 **Broke** : sometimes i wish i could but i literally cant

 **Genius** : aww <3

 **Kara** : hah weak

 **Genius** : youre saying that like you dont love me

 **Kara** : ….

 **Genius** : wow. how dare you. im so hurt.

 **Wifey** : need me a freak like that

 **Traci** : that died 192830701 years ago plz stop

 **Broke** : blz

 **Wifey** : blz

 **Broke** : that settles it im living with the lesbians

 **Simon** : what why

 **Broke** : 1) they have the best coffee + cream 2) they actually watch the shows i like 3) lesbians are funky

 **Jesus** : 1) we can get some at the store 2) you mean the kids shows 3) youre not wrong

 **Broke** : 1) fucc yes 2) the kids show that made you cry? 3) im literally never wrong

 **Jesus** : 1) love you 2) yeah while i was high 3) yesterday you said mint and chocolate were the best pairing when we all know its peanut butter and chocolate

 **Broke** : 1) i love you too 2) fucking so??? You still cried 3) no??? It isnt?????

 **Leaving** : discourse discourse discoURSE DISCOURSE DISCOURSE

 **Jesus** : mint??? And chocolate??? Has never been as good???

 **Broke** : peanut butter and chocolate is overused

 **Kara** : GASP

 **Traci** : i agree with connor

 **Broke** : thank you

 **Traci** : but like chocolate and caramel is the best??

 **Genius** : THANK YOU   
**Wifey** : man connors got a point

 **North** : im with mark man cant beat the classics

 **Traci** : give literally one other example of this

 **North** : spiderman

 **Kara** : I WOULD DIE FOR MY SON TOM HOLLAND

 **Broke** : you think toby mcguire was better than andrew garfield??? wow i cant believe how wrong you are

 **Leaving** : he set the entire franchise up to be what it is today?? without him idk man

 **Simon** : so you admit that the franchise is better now than what it was

 **Leaving** : fuck off

 **Josh** :  i think we can all agree that tony deserves a hug and everything

 **Broke** : thank! You! Josh! Youve! said! One! (1)! Thing! Right!

 **Jesus** : obviously???

 **Genius** : i have a lot of feelings about anthony stark

 **Wifey** : im not all that into this stuff but like isnt he a huge womanizer n shit

 **Genius** : that was who he used to be!! His entire character arc is changing who he is and trying to make up for his mistakes as a person!!

 **Genius** : He was one of the first big film characters to be shown as having anxiety/panic attacks because of his past!

 **Genius** : he puts up an uncaring exterior but really cares about a lot of people very deeply!

 **Genius** : his literal worst fear was his friends dying and him not being able to do anything about it!!   
**Genius** : he knew his odds of survival were .001 when he put the nuke through the wormhole but he still did it!   
**Genius** : and if anyone brings up civil war cap was at fault for most of it /and/ he kept important information from tony even if he thought it was “for his own good.”

 **Genius** : ive just got a lot of feelings man

 **Broke** : this is why youre genius

 **Leaving** : i think im tearing up

 **Josh** : thats a lie youve never not once cried ever

 **Leaving** : i have never lied once in my life

 **Jesus** : ahem. on June 8th at 5:23PM while we were studying for finals you said and i quote “pineapple on pizza is disgusting” but just two weeks ago you ordered hawaiian pizza with extra pineapples   
**Leaving** : markus Manfred sleep with one eye open

 **Wifey** : well this has been fairly educational

 **Wifey** : time to go adopt another fictional character

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a lot of feelings okay  
> Please comment any mistakes i made so I can fix them!  
> Also maybe keep the discourse going in the comments i wanna hear your opinions!!


	7. Honestly What's Even Going On Anymore

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is just me writing down the first things that come to my head please forgive me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Connor-Broke  
> Chloe-Wifey  
> Markus-Jesus  
> Luther-Genius  
> North-Leaving  
> Josh, Kara, Traci, and Amelia's names are all their own

**1:12PM**

**Connor > Kara**

**Connor** : hows alice been at school?

**Kara** : could be better but nothings happened that ive heard of

**Kara** : that seems like a loaded question whats going on

**Connor** : he went back to see his dealer last night which is ahead of schedule according to what chloe sent us

**Connor** : watch out for more aggression alright?

**Kara** : got it

**Connor** : hank got a mic on him at all times so we have his dealers voice but no face so its moving just not as fast as i wish it would

**Kara** : its still faster than what we thought so its ok

**Kara** : do i even wanna know about the mic

**Connor** : two words

**Connor** : nipple. piercing.

**Kara** : ewww gross

**Kara** : how did hank even convince him?

**Kara** : nvmd i dont wanna know

**Connor** : actually he sent gavin in for this one

**Kara** : now i wanna know again

**Connor** : lmao all he had to do was tell him itll get him laid more

**Connor** : im not going into detail bc ill vomit

**Kara** : alriiiiiiiiiiiiiighty then

**Kara** : thank you connor

**Kara** : tell hank luther and i say thanks

**Connor** : ofc <3

 

**3:02PM**

**Simon > Bully Connor Day**

**Simon changed chat name to Why Are Straight People Ignorant!**

**Kara** : hey

**Simon changed chat name to Sorry Kara!**

**Kara** : stop changing the chat name and tell us what happened already 

**Simon changed chat name to No!**

**Kara** : jfc

**Jesus** : you called

**Kara** : gdi markus

**Broke** : yes?

**Kara left the chat!**

**Leaving added Kara to No!**

**Leaving** : there is no escape

**Simon** : can i tell my story now

**Jesus** : go ahead babe

**Broke** : gross

**Jesus** : youre dating us

**Broke** : double gross

**Simon** : SO ANYWAYS   
**Simon** : i was bragging about my wonderful boyfriends during class today and one guy was like “boyfriend/s/?’

**Simon** : and i was like yeah i got blessed 

**Simon** : so he went so whos top?

**Simon** : i just sat and stared at him for a solid second there

**Leaving** : LMAO

**Simon** : but i just eventully go i dont know we havent done anything not like you need to know anyways its my private life

**Simon** : this dude is completely shocked. like. just staring at me

**Simon** : he eventually asks how long weve been dating and i tell him my boyfriends were dating before i was in the picture but the three of us have been dating over a year 

**Simon** : hes like how tf have yall not fucked yet?

**Simon** : this guy is pissing me off now so i just say its our relationship and our decision please back off

**Broke** : hell yeah you go boo

**Jesus** : oh so you can call him boo but when i call him babe its gross

**Simon** : AND THEN

**Simon** : this girl turns in her seat very obviously slightly pissed and just goes “let me translate.”

**Simon** : “the media is the only way youve seen poly relationships right?”

**Simon** : the dudes stuttering like yeah and um yknow so she goes “yeah and pronhub we know”

**Jesus** : AKJSDIHAKHSDH

**Simon** : AND SHES NOT DONE 

**Simon** : she goes “you do realize hes in a relationship right? like you wouldnt go up to a stranger and ask why him and his girlfriend havent fucked yet why is this any different?”

**Simon** : the guy sits there an thinks for a little while but eventually just goes “yeah i guess so sorry man”

**Simon** : and like i get that he just didnt know and im glad hes willing to learn but ???? seriously???? 

**Simon** : also i found my new best lesbian friend

**Leaving** : replaced

**Leaving** : yet again

**Jesus** : when was the last time you were replaced

**Leaving** : when josh told me he loved luther more than me

**Josh** : i mean but like can you blame me

**Leaving** : no

**Leaving** : i wish i could type out grumbling

**Kara** : hey back off i called bids years ago

**Kara** : also wouldnt it just be like hrughurhuguhugrhu

**Traci** : i would think it would be more like mrgmrmgrmgmrmg

**Amelia** : jfc that sounds like a patience test sorry simon

**Simon** : thank you AMELIA for caring so much about me <3

**Simon** : maybe we should just date

**Broke** : gASP

**Jesus** : you wouldnt

**Traci** : lee dont listen to him

**Amelia** : sure why not

**Simon** : alright ill just break up with the losers real quick

**Jesus changed Simon’s name to Snake!**

**Broke** : (he says with his head on my lap)

**Amelia** : simon are you…… cheating on me??

**Snake** : its not what it sounds like

**Jesus** :  **[picture attachment]** yes it is

**Amelia** : wow who knew boys were so rude nvmd im staying with my ceecee

**Traci** : <3

**Leaving** : those nicknames are disgusting i love them

**Genius** : ah yes sing my praises again

**Leaving** : finally man you were missing out 

**Genius** : wheres josh? hes been rly quiet

**Leaving** : TAing at the high school

**Kara** : ew high schoolers are gross

**Leaving** : at least it isnt middle schoolers 

**Kara** : e w

**Jesus** : your daughter is going to be a middle schooler

**Kara** : ….holy shit she is

**Genius** : jesus not this soon markus 

**Jesus** : sorry man

**Jesus** : alice is still your little innocent 10 year old

**Genius** : she isnt innocent anymore since some of her aunts and uncles like to teach her stupid memes

**Amelia** : they arent stupid

**Broke** : she needs to be in the loop luther 

**Wifey** : YALL I JUST WOKE UP FROM THE WEIRDEST DREAM

**Kara** : chloe its 3:30

**Wifey** : leave me alone

**Wifey** : anyways i walked into work like normal and elijah was there but i walked into one of my coworkers offices and it was me????

**Wifey** : so i looked around and literally all my coworkers were me and i swear ill never forget this

**Leaving** : where can i sign up

**Wifey** : what

**Leaving** : what

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> North can you be any less subtle?  
> Any spelling mistakes and/or errors are my own please comment if you see any so I can fix them!


	8. Cheer Up Josh Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter because i was bored.   
> *i may or may not have been projecting a bit sorry in advance*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Connor-Broke  
> Markus-Jesus  
> Chloe-Wifey  
> Simon-Snake  
> North-Leaving  
> Luther-Genius  
> All other names are their own

**2:47AM**

**Josh > No**

**Josh** : i just had. the best idea

**Josh** : some of us write fanfic about our friend group and the others draw fanfics and we post abt it all over

**Josh** : until we have the super huge fanbase

**Josh** : and then once were ready we do a q & a abt our au us’s

**Josh** : and one of the questions is how did you come up with all your ocs?

**Josh** : and we go you fool you thought they were ocs and reveal ourselves 

**Josh** : and then suddenly we have our own fanbase and we become famous

**Josh** : boom

**Jesus** : you started smoking without me?

**Josh** : im just always high

**Josh** : yall are just so used to it but i would seem different sober

**Jesus** : josh its 3 in the morning

**Josh** : no its 2:51 

**Jesus changed Josh’s name to Stop!**

**Stop** : literally never

**Jesus** : fine just suffer during class tomorrow idgaf

**Stop** : 1) im always suffering 

**Stop** : 2) you always give lots of fucks blz stop lying to yourself

**Stop** : 3) youre also awake so you would suffer too 

**Stop** : 4) tomorrows saturday 

**Jesus** : ………….

**Traci** : idc if you wanna keep arguing but can you do iT IN ANOTHER CHAT JESUS FUCKING CHRIST IM TRYING TO SLEEP

**Stop** : alright well do it in another chat

 

**2:55AM**

**Josh added Markus and Traci to New Chat!**

**Josh changed chat name to Fuck You!**

**Josh** : step up mark

**Traci** : count your minutes

**Markus** : jfc

 

**11:32AM**

**Leaving > No**

**Leaving** : wow josh

**Jesus** : you shouldve seen what he did after

**Jesus** :  **[photo attachment]**

**Leaving** : how much sleep were you running on josh

**Traci** : in sorry josh isnt here right now please leave a message at the beep

**Leaving** : damn

**Leaving** : i wonder what i was given in the will

**Leaving** : i hope its his bong

**Jesus** : he has the shittiest bong ever why would you want it 

**Leaving** : so that i actually own a bong you overgrown weed

**Jesus** : i,,,,,

**Jesus changed their name to Overgrown Weed!**

**Overgrown Weed** : this is the best insult ever and im kinda hurt but this is gold

**Leaving** : thanks i came up with it myself

**Snake** : that reminds me of that one post

**Snake** : “hey i really like your hair”

**Broke** :  _ thanks i grew it myself _

**Snake** : im so in love

**Overgrown** **Weed** : im being left out again

**Broke** : im lov both my boyfs

**Leaving** : jfc not this again

**Leaving** : make your own group chat already

 

**11:36AM**

**Simon added Connor and Markus to New Chat!**

**Simon changed chat name to ia m lov we!**

**Markus** : hug me fuck me daddy better make me choke

**Connor kicked Markus!**

**Simon added Markus!**

**Markus** : fucking rood much

**Connor** : im really fucking rude and you know this

**Markus** : yeah

**Simon** : we still love you <3

**Markus** : for some reason

**Connor** : awww how romantic 

**Markus** : was that sarcasm

**Connor** : no im never sarcastic

**Markus** : mmmmmmmmm sounds fake but ok

**Simon** : strange flex but ok

**Connor** : STRANGE FLEX

**Simon** : ??????

**Simon** : oh fuck 

**Markus** : LMAOO

**Simon** : leave me alone

 

**11:40AM**

**Leaving > No**

**Leaving** : none of them have classes right now

**Leaving** : and they dont have any plans

**Leaving** : theyre totally texting in the same room

 

**11:41AM**

**Markus > ia m lov we**

**Markus** : norths talking shit about us in the main

**Markus** : what do we do 

**Simon** : ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ 

**Connor** : ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ 

**Markus** : thats helpful thank

 

**11:43AM**

**Overgrown Weed > No**

**Overgrown Weed** : actually im in the bathroom connors in bed cuz hes lazy and simons making breakfast bc hes 10/10 husband material

**Leaving** : oh im so sorry i was so wrong 

**Broke** : mmhm thats what i thought

**Leaving** : was simon texting you guys too?

**Broke** : yeah????

**Leaving** : wow does he have like 4 hands how is he texting and cooking breakfast

**Snake** : ……

**Snake** : i may or may not be making eggos

**Leaving** : “10/10 husband material”

**Broke** : hey at least hes making stuff for us

**Snake** : yes,,,, i was definitely making extra eggos for both my lovely boyfriends and not myself

**Overgrown** **Weed** : i retract my earlier statement simon is 8/10 husband material

**Snake** : hey im making some for you guys now!

**Broke** : ,,,,, 9/10

**Snake** : i will work to gain back my 10/10 husband status and i will stop at nothing

**Wifey** : not even murder

**Snake** : why hello chloe did you have a good night i know i did wow what a bold statement you made upon entering the group chat could you Please Kindly Not

**Wifey** : look at the chat name

**Wifey** : josh man whats up 

**Stop** : i was just tired

**Wifey** : sounds fake but ok

**Stop** : i was 

**Snake** : hey man are you ok?

**Stop** : i just

**Stop** : had a bit of a panic attack last night and im still out of it 

**Overgrown** **Weed** : was there a cause to it?

**Stop** : just had a lot of assignments piling up and that led to me thinking way too far into the future and you know how i am when i do that

**Overgrown** **Weed** : why didnt you tell us last night?

**Stop** : i was trying to distract myself

**Overgrown** **Weed** : anything else?

**Stop** : didnt want to be a burden

**Leaving** : are you at your dorm?

**Stop** : yeah

**Leaving** : im coming over and were watching shitty animal documentaries and cuddling you

**Leaving** : got it

**Stop** : got it

**Broke** : i actually do have to go visit hank and sumo but mark and simon are most likely free all day so theyre going over

**Stop** : if you guys have plans thats fine 

**Snake** : no fuck you were coming over and were gonna make you laugh

**Leaving** : first one to make him laugh gets the fluffy blanket

**Snake** : what about before then?

**Leaving** : josh has it

**Leaving** : whoever gets it shares it with josh

**Overgrown** **Weed** : deal

**Wifey** : im coming too because i can

**Wifey** : and im bringing snickerdoodles

**Broke** : damn

**Overgrown** **Weed** : ill bring one home for you

**Broke** : thanks love

**Traci** : i guess,,,,, i love you a whole lot and i forgive you and im coming over too

**Traci** : amy has work but she wishes she could come

**Leaving** : official cheer up josh day has begun!!!!!

**Broke** : im gonna text him all day and be the first one to make him laugh without even being there

**Stop** : guys…..

**Wifey** : shut up and let us love you <3

**Genius** : i just read through all of this and karas busy but alice misses her uncle josh so were on our way

**Genius** : well be a bit but the challenge doesnt start until we get there

**Traci** : fuck no alice is gonna win

**Leaving** : if i have to lose to someone at least itll be alice

**Broke** : keep me updated!!!!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> who wins the challenge! comment who you want to win!  
> any and all mistakes are my own


	9. Thanksgiving!!!!!!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Its Thanksgiving man i had to do something so you get this cheesy thing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Connor-Broke  
> Chloe-Wifey  
> Markus-Overgrown Weed  
> Simon-Snake  
> North-Leaving  
> Josh-Stop  
> Luther-Genius  
> Traci, Amelia, and Kara's names are all their own

 

**5:02AM**

**Traci > No**

**Traci** : registration for next quarter is open!!!!!

 **Stop** **changed Traci’s name to Godsend!**

 **Stop** : i almost went back to sleep bc i couldnt remember what id set an alarm for

 **Stop** : i thought past me was just being an asshole

 **Godsend** : how are you doing today!

 **Stop** : better all thanks to alices cuddles!

 **Amelia** : im not surprised that she won

 **Kara** : literally no one is

 **Overgrown weed** : every quarter i have to sign up for new classes im reminded of how much debt i have

 **Stop** : thanks for that

 **Overgrown Weed** : yeah no problem man

 **Stop** : how is alice with school and all?

 **Kara** : i heard a couple things were said to her but nothing i can report

 **Stop** : if she was old enough to take it i would say keep egging him on but since shes alice she better stay 102034023401208 feet away from him

 **Godsend** : amen to that

 

**7:49AM**

**Snake > No**

**Snake** : FUCK ME IM LATE WHAT IF MY CLASSES ARE FULL

 **Stop** : p sure you dont own them

 **Genius** : yeah simon

 **Genius** : theyre not just one of your many toys

 **Broke** : its only been a few hours im sure youre fine

 **Amelia** : on another note….

 **Amelia** : whats everyone doing for thanksgiving tonight!

 **Broke** : hank carl si mark and i are gonna have linner together then whoevers free is welcome over at our place!

 **Stop** : linner

 **Broke** : oh alright so theres a brunch but i cant say linner without being attacked

 **Stop** : i was gonna say you could call it dunch but that sounds 20x stupider

 **Kara** : if were all coming over ill bring pies!

 **Amelia** : traci and i were just gonna hang out and facetime her parents so well come!

 **Amelia** : well bring fudge!

 **Leaving** : obviously im coming!

 **Amelia** : i was gonna say bring tequila but im assuming alice is coming along

 **Kara** : yup

 **Amelia** : itll be a sober thanksgiving

 **Broke** : im not promising the three of us wont be a bit tipsy after our linner but alright!

 **Stop** : im spending the day with my family but if it gets too much i might sneak out

 **Wifey** : Ill bring snickerdoodles!!!   
**Broke** : are those the only thing you know how to make

 **Wifey** : and chocolate chip but snickerdoddles are better!

 **Broke** : cant complain

 **Snake** : yay party friend time!

 

**7:21PM**

**Broke > No**

**Broke** : we just got home so everyone can come now!

 **Genius** : karas driving but she told me to tell you were on our way!

 **Broke** : be careful with the pies!

 **Genius** : kara said you just want us for our pies

 **Overgrown Weed** : thats not true!

 **Overgrown Weed** : you forgot alice!

 **Genius** : kara says shes hurt and i have to agree

 **Genius** : alice says shes excited to eat

 **Godsend** : shes gonna go far in life

 **Amelia** : were at the front door open up hoes!

 **Snake** : i was going to but now that you called us hoes…..

 **Godsend** : chloe just got here and he let her in but not us lol

 **Godsend** : no but actually its freezing out here can we come in

 **Snake** : not until you apologize

 **Amelia** : alright i may or may not be kinda not really sorry for calling you guys hoes

 **Snake** : good enough

 **Overgrown weed** : hurry up guys everyones here but you

 **Genius** : dont tell her that shell speed more than she already does

 **Overgrown Weed** : KARA GO FASTER

 **Overgrown Weed** : NORTH IS BEING AWKWARD IN FRONT OF CHLOE AND YOURE MISSING IT

 **Genius** : she just fucking floored it

 **Genius** : if this is how i die,,,,, oh well

 **Broke** : that was so anticlimactic i was expecting more

 **Leaving** : no im not!

 **Leaving** : also stop texting the group chat almost all of us are right here

 **Overgrown Weed** : stinky

 **Leaving** : what did you call me

 **Broke** : oh fuck he just yelled it out loud across the room

 **Broke** : someones gonna die

 **Broke** : alright im gonna go make sure no one loses an eye see you when you get here!

 **Genius** : <3

 

**9:02PM**

**Josh > Markus**

**Josh** : im omw

 **Markus** : alrighty

 

**11:48PM**

**Stop > No**

**Stop** : i know everyone probably wants to sleep for 5 years but we should say what were thankful for!

 **Stop** : im thankful for friends wholl help me when im anxious and try to make me laugh even if they say its for a bet when i know its to try and make me feel better

 **Amelia** : im thankful for my amazing girlfriend and that we can lean on each other and our amazing friend group that knows each other so well and loves each other so much <3

 **Godsend** : im so thankful for all you guys for knowing me well enough to know just what topics can make me feel uneasy but being able not to walk on eggshells around me and for my lovely girlfriend for ust being herself and loving me for being myself

 **Kara** : im so thankful i have my tiny little family that supports each other through our trials and our slightly bigger tiny family that supports us even through the shit you didnt sign up for

 **Luther** : im thankful for the friends who offer to literally kill a man who poses as a threat to my family and for becoming an extended part of that family and my amazing girlfriend who loves me and our daughter as much as physically possible

 **Broke** : im thankful for my beautiful boyfriends who ive somehow been blessed with who love me so much and put up with my horrible singing and for my bestest friends who let me make the most stupid jokes and would let me kill a man if needed and are such a great support system and for my dad whos trying his hardest and hes so great and for sumo

 **Snake** : im so thankful for my boyfriends who love me just as much as they love each other even if i came in a little late and for all of us hays who can come to this dumb group chat to cope with life but can also be real and loving all at the same time

 **Leaving** : im thankful for all you losers who have stayed with me even through my lowest moments and have supported me through those and know that im super emotionally stunted but know me well enough to know when im saying i love yall

 **Overgrown Weed** : im thankful for my boyfriends wholl love me through anything and my dad for raising me the right fucking way and not crying while doing it and for all my friends and literally everything theyve done for me like seriously you guys inspire me (and give me awesome insulting nicknames)

 **Wifey** : guess im last huh

 **Wifey** : im thankful for my friends who although they may be in separate relationships have managed to still keep such a strong platonic love between all of us

 **Wifey** : and that even through all these years and different additions weve stayed friends

 **Wifey** : like this all started with kara makus and connor this is p amazing

 **Wifey** : im thankful for the days connor comes to my work to bug me about cookies even though he doesnt like my boss

 **Wifey** : for the times we randomly decide to get together and we always have a good time

 **Wifey** : for being able to communicate triggers or uncomfortable situations and listening and understanding each other

 **Wifey** : for being the best damn friends anyone could ask for

 **Godsend** : fucc man im crying now

 **Stop** : i just love you guys so much

 **Leaving** : group (chat) hug?

 **Wifey** : group (chat) hug

 **Leaving** : maybe group (chat) hug will be our always

 **Genius** : aaaaaaand you ruined it

 **Leaving** : i made it better so uh

 **Snake** : i love you all but imma go snuggle with my boyfriends and probably fall asleep on the couch and wake up with a stupid crick in my neck

 **Kara** : just snuggle in bed???????

 **Amelia** : thats what were doing

 **Snake** : b r i l l i a n t

**Snake changed Kara’s name to Brilliant!**

**Brilliant** : fuckin hell yeah couple nicknames

 **Broke** : im taking his phone away now byyyyeeeeee

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Lots Of Food Day! What are yall thankful for? Im super thankful for everyone who reads this likes it because honestly what a miracle. And people who comment!!! Make me so happy!!! I just love yall a lot and so i decided to put all that love into this cheesy chapter.


	10. IM SO SORRY

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is a very tiny small itty bitty chapter that was supposed to be bigger but I was also supposed to upload it on December 1st so......

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is like 8 words long please kill me

**12:02AM**

**Leaving >No **

**Leaving** : I HEAR THOSE SLEIGH BELLS JINGLIN RING TING TINGLIN TOOOOOOO   
**Wifey** : CMON ITS LOVELY WEATHER FOR A SLEIGH RIDE TOGETHER WITH YOU

 **Snake** : can’t wait to shove a bunch of candy canes up my ass

 **Godsend** : NO   
**Overgrown** Weed: im one of santas hoes

 **Godsend** : MARKUS   
**Genius** : jingle my bells

 **Godsend** : LUTHER I TRUSTED YOU

 **Brilliant** : gonna go fuck a wreath

 **Godsend** : YOU DONT HAVE A DICK

 **Broke** : rudolph can impale me any day

 **Godsend** : GOD WHYYYYY

 **Amelia** : ,,,,,,

 **Godsend** : bb no please

 **Amelia** : up on the chimney click click click

 **Godsend** : im begging you pls dont

 **Amelia** : down on me cums bad st nick

 **Godsend** **left the chat!**

 **Amelia** **added** **Traci!**

 **Amelia** : say it i know you wanna

 **Traci** : no please,,,,,,

 **Chloe** : join us

 **Traci** : please,,,,, my children,,,

 **Broke** : one of us

 **Snake** : one of us

 **Broke** : one of us

 **Snake** : one of us

 **Leaving** : ONE OF US

 **Stop** : ONE OF US

 **Leaving** : you didnt even say anything

 **Stop** : choke me with tinsel

 **Leaving** : alright

 **Leaving** : ONE OF US

 **Brilliant** : ONE OF US

 **Traci** : ALRIGHT FINE

 **Traci** : …..

 **Traci** : sigh

 **Traci** : gonna fuck myself with an icicle

 **Genius** : yay!!!!

 **Amelia** : christmas :DDDDDDDD

 **Traci** : i hate all of you

 **Amelia** : no you dont

 **Traci** : shut up

 

**12:12PM**

**Connor >ia m lov we**

**Connor** : hank asked if we should have the same arrangement for christmas as we did for thanksgiving

 **Markus** : Carl said he’d be happy to host again

 **Connor** : sweet ok

 **Simon** : what is with both of you and saying your fathers actual names

 **Markus** : fathers that arent really our fathers

 **Connor** : shrug

 **Markus** : did you just type out shrug

 **Connor** : shrug

 **Simon** : sigh

 **Markus** : jfc

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IM SO SORRY FINALS HAVE BEEN CRAZY IM PRETTY SURE I HAD AT LEAST 7 BREAKDOWNS BUT IM DONE WITH COLLEGE FOR THE BREAK NOW SO ILL BE UPLOADING MORE REGULARLY  
> (also i had one more i didnt use)  
> (it was santa put me on the naughty list)  
> (but that sounded too mainstream)  
> Comment anymore of those weird christmas phrases you have!


	11. merry crisis

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is me scrambling to make a christmas chapter because i promised myself i would

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Markus-Overgrown Weed  
> Connor-Broke  
> Chloe-Wifey  
> North-Leaving  
> Simon-Snake  
> Josh-Stop  
> Kara-Brilliant  
> Luther-Genius  
> Amelia and Traci's names are their own

**3:49PM**

**Connor >Kara**

**Connor** : KARA

**Connor** : AS RESIDENT GROUP MOM I NEED YOUR HELP

**Kara** : whats up

**Connor** : WHY ARENT YOU IN CAPS

**Kara** : oh sorry WHATS UP

**Connor** : SO CHRISTMAS

**Kara** : YUP

**Connor** : SO I LOVE MY BOYFRIENDS A WHOLE LOT BUT WERE REALLY YOUNG AND I DONT WANNA THINK ABOUT MARRIAGE JUST YET

**Kara** : UNDERSTANDABLE

**Connor** : BUT I REALLY WANNA GET THEM PROMISE RINGS   
**Kara** : OH MY GOD DO IT   
**Connor** : YOU DONT THINK ITS TOO SOON

**Kara** : NO ITS GONNA BE CUTE AS HELL AND THEYRE GONNA MELT DO IT

**Connor** : OK THANKS FOR THE VOTE OF CONFIDENCE   
**Kara** : REMEMBER TO HAVE HANK VIDEO IT

**Connor** : speaking of hank

**Connor** : he says theyre closing in on tod and it shouldnt be too long now

**Kara** : thanks! alice is getting more and more uncomfortable as time goes on

**Connor** : is he doing anything to provoke it?

**Kara** : hes been extra touchy with her and apparently gets pissed rly easily at her but bc hes in public hes reeling it in

**Connor** : so i know we have solid evidence of the drug abuse but if he does his time you dont have anything against him as far as I know

**Connor** : do you have pictures of bruises from before or evidence of abuse you could use? Bc i have a feeling youre gonna be wanting a restraining order against him

**Kara** : yeah i have pictures from both me and alice and the video I got of him that we used to get alice away from him

**Connor** : any chance you could send those my way? Hank says the sooner he can get those the better

**Kara** :  **[picture attachment]**

**Kara** :  **[picture attachment]**

**Kara** : **[picture attachment]**

**Kara** :  **[picture attachment]**

**Kara** :  **[picture attachment]**

**Kara** :  **[video attachment]**

**Connor** : perfect thanks!

**Connor** : im in the mood for murder now!

**Kara** : how about you me and alice go out and help you look at rings

**Connor** : sounds perfect!

 

**4:20PM**

**Overgrown Weed >No**

**Overgrown Weed changed group name to Chrimis!**

**Overgrown Weed** : blaze it lmao

**Traci** : you are a grown ass man

**Overgrown Weed** : b l a z e  i t l m a o

**Traci** : sigh

**Snake** : why is connor going out at like midnight with kara and alice 

**Snake** : alice should be in bed

**Stop** : its 4 si

**Snake** : well it looks like its midnight

**Broke** : its crisis time shhhhhhh

**Genius** : merry chrysler 

**Amelia** : yall remember that vine with all i want for christmas by mariah carey and the dude on the piano and the drums is just spazzing in order to keep up with the beat

**Amelia** : thats my favorite christmas vine

**Leaving** : mine is the thomas sanders one where hes like wow it feels great to be awake time to go outside oh shit now its night time goodnight 

**Leaving** : its just a mood?

**Brilliant** : ITS AN AVACADO

**Wifey** : THAAAAAANKS

**Stop** : brandon ask me what kinda tree i have

**Broke** : no

**Stop** : brandon ask me what kinda tree i have

**Broke** : no

**Stop** : ask me what kinda tree i have

**Broke** : what kinda tree do y

**Stop** : its a chris pine

**Snake** : ~i really cant stay~

**Overgrown Weed** : BABY ITS COLD OUTSIDE   
**Snake** : ~ive got to go~   
**Overgrown Weed:** BABY ITS COLD OUTSIDE

**Genius** : why are we like this

**Leaving** : were the best dont slander us

**Stop** : is that even the correct usage of slander

**Wifey** : p sure it is

**Snake** : on another note

**Snake** : its the facebook moms time of year

**Snake** : “You all have grown up so much since i last saw you!!!”

**Wifey** : “im opening a place called resolutions, itll be a gym the first week then a bar the rest of the year”

**Leaving** : “lol so true susan!!!”

**Broke** : “say hi to the kids for me!!”

**Brilliant** : “send me his soccer schedule so i can come watch his games!”

**Leaving** : eeewwwwww that last one was so dirty we have a winner

**Brilliant** : fuck yeah you do

**Broke** : kara stop ignoring me

**Brilliant** : fine 

**Brilliant** : nobody better come for my title while im gone

**Overgrown Weed** : …..

**Overgrown Weed** : “remember this picture with santa when you were 3!!!!”

**Leaving** : nvmd

**Leaving changed Overgrown Weed’s name to Winner!**

**Leaving** : wait amy what are you doing

**Leaving** : amy fucking dont

**Snake** : whats going on

**Leaving** : oh yeah you dont have a fb

**Snake** : i never got one and dont see a reason to now 

**Leaving** : amy just made an event on facebook and tagged us and all of our parental units

**Winner** :  _ she has too much power _

**Leaving** : nvmd

**Leaving changed Amelia’s name to Winner!**

**Leaving** : now delete the event

**Winner** : hmmmmmmm,,,,

**Leaving** : d e l e t e   i t

**Winner** : mkay

**Winner** : wait there are two winners what

**Stop changed Winners name to Loser!**

**Loser** : fuck you

**Stop** : yknow what im good

**Leaving** : kids stop fighting

**Stop** : yes mommy

**Leaving** : those were gross words never ever say those again or you’ll be the last of your bloodline

**Stop** : i would say it again as an answer to that but im actually scared for my life

**Leaving** : that was the biggest compliment anyone could ever give me!!!!!!

**Loser** : fuck how do i wrap this someone come over and help

**Genius** : bag

**Loser** : theres a reason youre named that god bless you and your children

**Genius** : i have a second child

**Leaving** : connor

**Genius** : i really wanna argue w you but i literally cant

**Stop** : fuck i still need to wrap my presents

**Wifey** : i already wrapped and gave all my presents

**Wifey** : hanukkah bitches

**Leaving** : you didnt get any of us presents

**Wifey** : i already wrapped and gave most of my presents

**Leaving** : <3

**Wifey** : so were still doing the gift exchange on the 31st?

**Stop** : yup

**Wifey** : alright sweet

 

**5:11PM**

**North >Chloe**

**North** : are you doing anything tomorrow?

**Chloe** : i dont celebrate christmas so no not really

**North** : mkay bc siconkus asked me over to their celebration but i dont really think id feel right just kinda barging in yknow?

**North** : so i thought maybe we could just hang out for the day

**Chloe** : sounds good!

**North** : sweet ill come over at like 1ish?

**Chloe** : perfect

 

**12:00AM**

**Broke >Chrimis**

**Broke** : merry christmas everyone!!!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry Christmas to everyone who celebrates it and to everyone else happy holidays! I tried to add a little diversity in there but 1)this is so rushed (im sorry!!!) 2) i know probably two things about Hanukkah so if anything isnt accurate please let me know!   
> We've got some plots unfolding! (wow even im surprised)   
> -Chloe and North might actually make a move (their lesbians so probably not lmao)  
> -The whole Todd Incident™ might get solved!!  
> All mistakes made are mine, if you see any please comment so I can fix them!


	12. Friendship

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just a short chapter because i couldnt sleep

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Names should be pretty self explanatory

**1:02PM**

**Chloe >Luther**

**Chloe** : hey are you and kara able to party w us on new years eve or are you gonna have alice

**Luther** : shes gonna sleep over at a friends house why?

**Chloe** : you and kara really rushed into adopting alice (understandable tho) and youre both just as young as the rest of us and i want you two to be able to do the thing you would be doing at our age 

**Chloe** : shes an amazing daughter and i love her with all my heart and im so glad you guys have each other but it seems really stressful at times so i just wanna make sure youre doing alright

**Luther** : i love you a whole lot!!! This is the sweetest thing ever and im so thankful for a friend like you! were certainly stressed rn and yes alice is at the center of a lot of it but i wouldnt trade that in for anything

**Luther** : shes my baby girl and i love her a whole lot

Chloe: i know that you selfless asshole but are YOU doing ok

**Luther** : i 

**Luther** : havent been asked that for a while (apart from kara) 

**Luther** : im doing ok and am constantly ready to murder todd if it makes my girls feel safe again

**Luther** : i just feel helpless bc i cant do anything bc its all out of my power you know?

**Chloe** : i totally understand and its fine to feel that way! Youre doing the best you can rn and i can tell youre the one making alice feel safe enough to even go to school and youre helping kara be able to sleep at night even if its only for a few hours. your best may not seem like a lot in the grand scheme but without you everything would be a whole lot harder for them

**Luther** : thanks love i really needed to hear that 

**Chloe** : anytime

**Luther** : hows kamksi is he doing the creep thing anymore?

**Chloe** : weve kinda come to a mutual agreement where he doesnt treat me like another one of his toys and i dont rip his dick off

**Luther** : thats my girl

 

**1:20PM**

**Croonr > not so holy trinity**

**Croonr** : hey asshole how are you 

**Mrauk** : translation- hello my dear friend kara how are you feeling not only with the todd situation but just with life in general

**Kraa** : i wanna fucking die

**Mrauk** : translation- life is not going well with me but i dont have the energy nor the words to describe how im feeling or why im feeling it

**Croonr** : mood

**Mrauk** : translation-me too (were gonna talk abt this later)

 

**1:23PM**

**Connor >Markus**

**Connor** : i got my final grades back and they arent the best but i didnt fail but amanda programmed me so if i dont get b+ or higher i feel like i failed so my mood is kinda taking a hit rn

**Markus** : ill talk to you when i get home <3

**Connor** : <3

 

**1:24PM**

**Croonr > not so holy trinity**

**Croonr** : take care of yourself i care abt you shithead

**Mrauk** : ditto

**Kraa** : fucking i guess i will

**Kraa** : since you two are pulling my legs and i maybe possibly care abt you

**Croonr** : tha dthe niecest htifni anyie hasd ever dasid to em

**Mrauk** : untrue i shower you with compliment all the time

**Croonr** : you call me selfless jackass

**Mrauk** : yeah???????

**Kraa** : i fucking take it back i dont care abt you guys go die

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chloe and Luther are totally cinnamon roll friends who send full paragraphs to express their love.  
> I know I didn't have the promise ring bit but if you want me to I can write a sort of one shot to go with this series. Comment if you want it!  
> Any and all mistakes are my own, comment if you see any so I can fix them!


End file.
